Thursday 14th April 2011
We left SLT HQ at 9.30am.  That is rarely a good time of day but we were all pretty excited about the shows and the journeys ahead.  We had invited a friend of ours, Dave Ross, to come along for the ride so we met him at a services on the M25.  Got him on board the SLT bus and then spied a couple of hitchhikers looking for a ride to Dover.  Having never picked up hitchhikers before, now seemed like the perfect time to start.  So I asked Tarek and Jeannine if they would like a lift and they graciously accepted.  This came as quite a surprise to Gilez & Rob when they emerged out of the services to find two new people on board!

Got to Dover, waited a bit, boarded the ferry, waited a bit more, sailed away.  I am a fan of the UK so always quite sad to see it’s white walls fall to the distance but I was also very excited about going back to Germany.  It is familiar enough in landscape to feel homely, yet is much more spacious, open and less crowded.  It does feel like home from home, weirdly enough.  The only vaguely interesting thing that happened on the ferry was that Gilez ate some food that was left on a plate on the table next to us.  We hate waste.

Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself.  We had many miles to cover and they started again in Calais.  Drove through France, Belgium and the Netherlands before getting in to Germany.  The journey was quite quick (relatively) and we arrived at our first overnight stop, an Etap in Kolne, at about 8pm.  Managed to maneuver the bus in the tiny car park, checked in then went for an explore.

Despite being quite late, much of Kolne centre was open.  In fact, the shopping mall was still open so we headed for a supermarket to get some supplies.  It was a very clean environment, as most of Germany seems to be, and the mall seemed somehow futuristic.  This illusion was lost a bit when we came across some Easter decorations instore.

Shopping in Kolne

Friday 15th April 2011
Today is a day I would never like to repeat again.  The best and worst bit about being on the road is the travel.  It’s great when you see new places, pretty places.  It is less great when you spent nearly all day stuck in traffic.  Today was one of those days.  After an OK-ish sleep, we left our hotel to find a place to get a yellow sticker for our bus.  We were told we would need it to enter Berlin but later on discovered that we’d have probably gotten away without it.  Shame as it ate an hour away.

First diesel stop in Germany and I was approached by a friendly looking man who asked if I picked up hitchhikers.  I replied “That depends, we only pick up friendly ones, not murdery ones.  Which are you?”.  He said he was a friendly one so, next thing we know, we have a Buddhist called Chris in the back all the way to Berlin.

He did alright out of us.  Not only did he get a lift several hundred miles to Berlin, he got watered and fed once we got there too.  Of course, getting there took 9 hours.  Traffic jam.  Drive a bit.  Traffic jam.  The Germans have a horrible habit of driving very fast up another car’s arse then braking.  All the cars behind then brake and this causes phantom traffic jams.  We do it a bit in the UK but, because of the aggressive German driving style (which actually does have some very affected aspects to it), it seems to happen endlessly.  It is my policy to avoid my brake pedal on the motorway using it only if I really really have to.  It’s called intelligent progressive driving, something others should learn.  If we all kept our distance from the vehicle in front and simply adjusted our speed with the accelerator, the whole motorway network would move quicker.  Lecture over.

Arriving at White Trash a few hours later than we should have, I was, predictably, exhausted.  Driving a right hand drive vehicle on the right hand side of the road requires added concentration, so I was mentally drained.  Still, I had to help get our gear out, in the venue and set up.  Sitting around waiting to be fed, I tried some sleep behind a guitar case but failed!

Thankfully, White Trash was busy.  And it is an awesome venue.  My time there was spoiled through exhaustion, but don’t let any negative vibes from me about it put you off going there.  It’s great and, now the tiredness has gone and I have several days since the event, I already have fond memories of the show.  My only real gripe is the split set system they have there.  We played for 20 minutes then had to wait an hour to play the final 30.  Killer.

Vikki & Rob at White Trash

The show(s) went well though, and we met some great people.  We had a long day ahead though so got out as soon as we could to find the hostel that was to be our home for the night.  Arriving there at 3am, we discovered that another band had taken our two rooms, leaving us with their room which was a large shared one.  As the only driver, I need to try and sleep and, sharing a room with lots of people isn’t conducive to that.  Plus I sometimes just need space.  Additionally, with Vikki being a girl, she doesn’t want everyone seeing her boobs.  Thankfully, the guy behind the desk was understanding, apologetic and managed to sort things out.  Alas, this took an hour.

We crawled into bed at 4.20am.  Just beginning to drift off when a German walked into our room, apologised and walked out.  Shortly after this, another guy let himself in and Vikki told him to, essentially, fuck off.  He came back about 20 minutes later.  It was like some bad dream and, if I could have pressed a button to end the whole thing right now and just be at home, I would have.  Tiredness will do that to a man.  Of course, all the interruptions made us anxious so sleep evaded both Vikki and I.  Maybe I got an hour or two, maybe I didn’t; it all seemed so vague.

Next morning, we found out that a total of three bands had been booked into two rooms.  One of the bands ended up sleeping in the corridor.  Usually, our experiences of touring overseas is smooth and an eye opener as to how good it can be.  This was not one of those occasions.  I will never ever tolerate such things again.  We have now learnt to check out the accommodation situation before we play a note.

The hostel in Berlin I would very much like to erase from my mind!

Saturday 16th April 2011
I got into the bus today wondering what the hell I was doing.  Touring can really take it out of you and, when things don’t run like clockwork, it can be hell.  Especially for an anal control freak like me!  Thankfully, today was the tonic I needed to be reminded as to why I do – on the whole – love it!

Got the fuck out of Berlin and started heading South West.  The roads in this direction tend to be de-restricted and open, free from roadworks.  Zero traffic jams meant the journey to Lichtenfels took only about 4 hours.  The further south we got, the better the scenery got.  We were driving down mountain roads, pretty much, and every now and then you would see a village or town resting in a bowl between two mountains.  Completely picturesque.  I was getting Vikki to take many pictures as I was missing most of the cool stuff.

Arrived at 5pm greeted by the owner DJ Hijinx (aka Sebastian).  He was a really nice guy and I think he could sense that we needed to chill a bit so he pointed us toward our hotel.  Nervously we drove there but we needn’t have worried.  Compared to the day before, this was like staying at Buckingham Palace.  Damn, when I saw the bed, I nearly dived right in!

Next door was a supermarket so we went in there.  We then went back to the venue to soundcheck.  After soundcheck we were presented with our meals – huge tubs of Chinese takeaway.

Feeding time at the zoo

I can’t fill up before a show and, besides, don’t do carbs but I took one of these bad boys away and later on picked out the chicken to have on some Ryvita

We hit the stage at about 10pm.  It was one of the hottest stages I’ve ever been on.  Within a song or two, my top was off and sweat was pouring off the walls.  Gradually the crowd warmed to us strange English folk and, by the end of the set, there was a veritable mosh pit going on.  We made some new friends tonight!

Buzzing after coming off stage, now was the time to finally relax and enjoy ourselves.  It was great speaking with the locals (although their English was nearly as bad as our German) and the club owner really looked after us.  After an awesome set by the V8 Wankers, Vikki and I excused ourselves and headed back to the hotel to clean several days’ worth of muck, grime and sweat off our tired bodies.  Gilez, Rob and Dave stayed behind and, from the tales I have heard, had more fun than should be allowed.  With only one minor mishap, eh Rob?!

Sunday 17th April 2011
No more shows, just the endless journey home now.  I slept over night so felt awesome today.  We were up before call-time so went for a wander into Lichtenfels.  Really nice town but we left it at 1.30pm.

It was a long drive.  But, no traffic.  So even though it took more than 7 hours, it was nowhere near as stressful or exhausting as the drive to Berlin.  I tell ya, the day we have our very own driver will be the day I know we have “made” it.  Anything above that will be gravy!  We’re so cheap though, I can’t imagine that being for a long while!

The Etap we were staying at this night was on an industrial estate in Belgium.  It was very new and clean.  The room looked like a space capsule.  It was small though, I needed to get out and the others were hungry and so started our mission to find a restaurant that was actually open.

After much wandering, we found a Pizzeria.  I don’t do pizza and Gilez wasn’t hungry, but Rob treated Vikki and Dave to some enormous pizzas.  And they gobbled them all up.  I had a Chuppa Chup.

Pizzeria in Belgium

Thankfully, the 90 minutes it took us to find somewhere to eat was only about a 15 minute walk back to the hotel.  By this stage I was ravenous so excused myself and went to the room to feast on more leftover Chinese chicken pieces.  Vikki has just informed me that we drive back via Brussels, home to the Smurf museum.  Alas, no time to visit.

Monday 18th April 2011
Did sleeping and awoke to a gloriously sunny day.  Perfect for the drive home.  Gathered everyone and ventured to the nearest supermarket which was so huge.  I hoped to find Smurfs in here but found none.  Despondent, I got back on the bus and started driving us out of town when Dave spotted a toy shop.  I did an emergency stop, mounted the curb and dived into this awesome store WHERE I FOUND SOME SMURFS!!  This made me very happy.  Smurfs and kittens make me go gooey and, as Belgium is the birthplace of Smurfs, it had become some kind of pilgrimage for me.  I had succeeded in this mission and, 30 Euros later, my Smurfgasm was complete.

Smurfgasm

The journey to Calais was swift and easy, as long as you avoid the nutty French drivers.  It took about 3 hours ish so we arrived on time.  Getting into Border Control we had the first search of our rear and, going through Customs, we were probed for a second time.  Of course, they found no contraband, just 5 happy rockin’ travellers!

Boarded the ferry which, horror of horrors, was filled with people.  It was packed.  Two selfish bastards laid across the benches in the viewing area, stopping anyone sitting on them, effectively taking up 5 spaces.  This pissed me right off (remember, I unselfishly picked up three hitchhikers this journey, hero that I am) so I gobbed on one of them, then took a picture.

SPiT LiKE THiS, bitch!

They both soon moved.  Apart from this and the very smelly toilet, and the annoying people everywhere, it was a good ride back.  Gilez hid Rob’s £200 cigarette purchase; Rob had a heart attack.  That was the highlight of an otherwise quite dull journey.

Dover came into view and, before we knew it, we were back on UK soil and I was driving back on the right (ie left) side of the road again.  Dropped Dave off at another services then continued our journey homeward.  Through France, massive bugs were hurling themselves at our windscreen.  Our attempt to remove them with the windscreen wipers resulted in one of them committing suicide and leaping off the bus.  So, if anyone finds a windscreen wiper on the M20, it’s ours.

And that was that.  Arrived back at SLT HQ, unloaded the bus and marvelled at our 1,631 mile journey.  It was long, tiring but, on the whole, a LOT of fun! To see the route we took, click on the larger map below.
View Larger Map

To see more photos from our tour of Germany, follow this link!